Choices We Make
Our Grand Journey
Nurture Your Love
Birthday Lilies 2016
Marry in Your Zip Code
10 Ideas For Chasing Away Winter Blues
A Sweet Surprise
The Perfect Gift
Positive Priorities
Falling Back in Love
Parenting: Keep Your Word Golden
10 Dates To Get Closer to Him
Try Not to Force People
Dancing with My Daughter
Try to Get Your Way by Being Pleasant
When You're Stuck at Work
Anniversary Time Again!
Great Relationships: Anniversaries!
"I Know"
Kids and Chores: Two Hard Ones and Two Easy Ones
No Secret to a Successful Marriage
Not Deciding is Also a Decision
Perfection Rejection
Venting
Workplace Attitude Adjustments
In my profession I hear the comments, "I'm depressed", or "I need a mental health day", etc. often. As a regular substitute teacher, students have gotten to know me, so often they feel comfortable in sharing their feelings with me. Now, I do remember what it was like to be in high school. I do remember the restrictions in the choices that I made, and how I felt about that. My German teacher even called me "moody". So, I get it. However, this is the time that people can begin to craft their lives, so that they can make favorable choices to enhance their lives.
But what if they were trained to act a certain way? What if they were indoctrinated from birth in a certain religion or way of life that further restricted their choices? Admittedly, it can be difficult to break away, become educated and start actually thinking for oneself. It can be really trying to realize that much of what was learned was not based in truth; rather it was based in tradition. And perhaps they may not know where to start in order to begin heading down a path leading to happiness.
So, what are people to do?
Decide what is important. Sometimes that is difficult to define. Often, I ask my students, "What is your passion?" "What do you like?" Even then, students may not think their desires are valid. "I like to hang out with my friends". Follow up question: "Think about what you are doing when you hang out." "Are you playing games?" "Are you going shopping?" "Are you trying out new makeup?" "Are you playing a sport?" Then, try to think about a profession that is related to one of your extracurricular activities that will compel you to go to work every day with a smile.
But, what if that doesn't work out for you? What if life throws you into a pit of poor choices that you thought were good at the time?
Time to re-evaluate. Instead of wallowing in the pit, and saying or thinking, "I'm depressed" or "I have depression", try to construct new, positive choices for yourself.
And this task of personal decision-making is ongoing. If something hasn't worked in the past, chances are it won't work for you in the future. Choose a different path. Do you really want to hang on the idea that your genes are dictating your happiness in life? In my experience, if people truly find what makes them happy, their depression dissipates, despite their genetic makeup. (By the way, even though having extra money is comfortable, it isn't strictly necessary to have a good time.)
These life-altering decisions are often made in high school, or college, but can also happen in young adulthood, middle age and beyond. It's never too late to make a new decision for a new lease on life.
So, find what makes you happy. Make a list of things that make you smile. If you can't change your job (or that you are required to go to school every day), change what you do in your free time to ensure that you find joy. Once you find it, you will begin to heal, and life will truly be worth what it was meant to be. Purposeful and fulfilling.
Our Grand Journey
It all seems so surreal. Our baby has a brand-new baby! We are embarking upon a sweet journey as the "grands"- "Gigi" as I am to be called and "Snappy" for my charming husband. Our little granddaughter, "Squish", as she was referred to while cuddled up in her mama's womb, flew into our lives earlier this spring. Everyone always said having a grand baby is the best experience we would ever have, and so far, they were spot on. But even though there is a lot of "Squishy" love, with our new role as a grandparents come new responsibility and often lots of restraint.
Here are a few tips that I would like to make sure I remember as I navigate this grandparent journey:
*Remember that even though you are the grandparents, you are not the parents.
*She is their baby, not your baby. She can be your "cuddle-bunny", "sweetie" or "Squishy" or other endearment. Use her name or that expression instead.
*Always consider the parents' points-of-view and wishes first.
*Do not offer advice unless it is solicited.
*Remember it has been 15-40+ years since you were a first-time parent. Ideas and concepts have probably changed.
*Along with that, keep an open mind to new ideas.
*If the "new" ideas don't work, and your kids are struggling, and they ask for help, (that's the key), don't be afraid to offer some ideas that worked for you.
*Don't get annoyed if the parents use different tactics. This is their time to do what they think is best. Above all, do not use passive-aggressive behavior/comments to voice your displeasure. That will only feed resentment.
* Offer your help, but only what you think you can do. Hopefully you will have front-loaded the idea that your kids will not take advantage of you.
*Even if you don't see the baby as often as you want to, don't monopolize the baby's time. Remember, this is the parents' time to bond with their new baby.
*If you aren't particularly enamored with the parents' choice of name (We love Squish's name!), try to gently introduce a sweet nickname. Or, use the nickname only at your house, using "Sweetie" or something similar when everyone is together. Above all, do not berate them for not choosing a name that you wanted.
*When you are visiting new parents and baby, don't expect to be catered to. Bring food or offer to order lunch or dinner in. (They are probably too tired to go out.)
*Be the best guest. That way you will always be welcome.
Of course, life is a learning curve, and this is by no means a complete list, but it's a good start for us all to remember. I realize that it's difficult to turn off your parenting instincts but allowing your kids to turn on their parenting instincts will provide a better relationship with them going forward. And, as a special bonus, more time with your little Squish! Isn't that the goal?
Nurture Your Love
As our upcoming wedding anniversary beckons to us, saying, "Come on, let's celebrate!", I think about love and how it peeps and winks at us with its sweet face. It's a delicate flower, this love, and it's up to us to remind ourselves not to trample it in our daily struggle with life. We need to remember that anything worth having needs to be nurtured, so that it can grow and thrive. So, what are some ways to water our love?
1. Greet each other with a kiss.
2. Think about your partner during the day. Plan a date night.
3. Wonder what he or she would like for dinner. And make it happen.
4. Do the maintenance on his or her car.
5. Help each other with the laundry (/dishes/vacuuming/i.e., overall chores...)
6. Make your partner the priority.
7. Plan trips together. Go on trips together.
8. Say "Thank you" AND "I'm sorry".
9. Listen to your partner. You may not always agree, but try to see his/her point-of-view.
10. Say "I love you." Often.
Because that's what we're thinking. So, remind the special person in your life of your love. A sprinkling of "I love yous" and a healthy dose of thoughtfulness will ensure that your love will flourish.
Birthday Lilies 2016
We were road weary. After a fabulous trip in Europe, we were ready to breathe in our own space and recover from our hustle. My birthday just happened to show up two days after we got home. I felt that I had enough of a celebration while we were on our trip.
My sweet husband disagreed.
The morning of my birthday, he slipped out, calling to me that he would be right back. Since I was still somewhat numb from lack of sleep and jetlag, I mumbled, "OK".
Soon, he appeared with his arms laden with bunches of flowers, a birthday card and croissants (reminiscent of our sweet Paris) for breakfast. I was delighted! But his gift didn't stop there.
He told me to choose a vase to arrange the flowers in, and I got ready to put them in water. Nope! He said that part of his gift was to arrange the flowers. He went outside, cut some peony greenery and proceeded to beautifully arrange the lilies and alstroemeria. I love them!
So that's part of why our marriage has been a sweet fairytale. We both pay attention to what we love. And, we are continually thinking of how to delight each other. And, we don't sweat it if something isn't perfect. Because what's perfect is spending my life with someone willing to arrange flowers for me.
Marry in Your Zip Code
Love is beautiful and wondrous and magical. It's stealthy, that crazy love. It swirls with possibility and desire, not caring for tomorrow. It can cause a perfectly sane person to do things that she might not normally do. Most of the time we're not thinking of the long term when we fall in love. We find ourselves in the cocoon of a perfect bubble, hoping that nothing will pop it. However, if we stop a moment, and clear our heads, we might consider a recipe for relationship success.
Marrying in your zip code doesn't necessarily mean that people need to literally marry someone in his/her zip code. (Although in the future, the grandparents would love that.) Marrying in your zip code is a metaphor for marrying someone who is familiar with the way you were raised. He was raised in a similar manner and can empathize with or relate to most issues that arise in your relationship. You may not realize it, but small issues can balloon into something that cannot be overcome, and many times it's because your partner has simply not had any experience with them. Here are some examples:
Holiday celebrations.
You may want to discuss which holiday to celebrate in December, especially. If it's Christmas, what day did s/he celebrate? Did her family celebrate on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day? Did they go to church or not? Is this important? Was it a big family celebration or a modest one? Were there specialty food/ desserts that were customary? Do you want to continue the traditions, or do you want to establish your own?
Now, some of you might say, "Really?" But I'm telling you, unless you're on the same page as your sweetheart, the holidays can morph into something other than what they were meant for: Peace on Earth.
Other problems can crop up if your sweetheart was not raised with a similar value system. It's crucial to be on the same page with what you both feel is important. Obviously, you will have some differences in opinion, but if you both see the world through comparable lenses, you will have fewer conflicts, and thus a more harmonious life.
Have some interests in common! Hello?! What good is "marrying your best friend" if you don't want to spend time with each other? You can't expect the other to do everything you want him/her to do. And never say, "If you love me, you'll______".
If watching football is what you like to do, make sure that your partner is cool with that. Even better, will jump on the bandwagon with you.
If you like ballet, make sure your partner is at least open to the idea of going to the ballet once a year.
If you're a gearhead, get some earplugs for your partner and make Nascar fun for him. And try not to strew all the parts around the garage and yard unless she doesn't mind.
The same goes for craft projects.
Chances are that you won't like everything your partner likes. In the spirit of fairness, try to participate in activities that mean a lot to your partner that you wouldn't necessarily choose from time-to-time. Above all, however, if your partner is trying to appreciate that activity that you love, and has agreed to participate with you, realize that s/he's being sweet and don't hold him or her hostage doing that activity for a whole day.
Doing things separately is just fine. But married people always doing things separately doesn't make much sense. So, if you're looking for someone to spend your sweet life with, look no further than your own zip code.
10 Ideas For Chasing Away Winter Blues
This year much of the country has been crushed with the accumulation of all those fluffy little snowflakes. Sometimes the snow is welcome (like in the ski areas!), and other times it just makes us weary.
Here are a few tips to brighten up a long winter:
1. Put your snow boots, gloves and coat on and shovel the snow together. This makes the job much easier and you will give each other the feeling of camaraderie.
2. Support the local team! Cheer for your favorite high school basketball team as they try to advance in the playoffs.
3. Support the arts. Revel in the spirit of community as you attend a high school musical. They are often held in the winter or beginning of spring.
4. Plan a ski/snowmobile/sledding trip. Viewing the snow as fun rather than drudgery will help your overall outlook.
5. All the craft stores are ready for spring. Buy some cheerful flowers to brighten up your space. If you want to make an dazzling arrangement, here is a link to some directions for an arrangement that chased away my winter blues: http://lovetohelpyou.com/FloralArtistryPage.html#dahlia
6. Find out if there is a new exhibit at your local art museum. Winter is the perfect time to stroll indoors, trying to find your muse.
7. Go ice skating and then go indulge in some hot chocolate afterward. As long as I can remember those two activities go hand-in-hand.
8. This sounds like a chore, but actually can be really fun, once you get into it--finally organize all those (or at least some) photos and create a photo album. It can be as fancy or as simple as possible. (Also, try to identify the people, place and year. You'll be grateful decades later when you look at them. You'd be amazed at how your memory fades.)
9. Organize a potluck dinner with a few friends.
10. If you haven't already, plan your summer trip. It will give you pleasure that your plans are sealed and that you have an established budget. Then you can get to the business of looking forward to all the fun.
Above all, look for situations that make you smile. After all, you may be just like the squirrel; you may just stumble upon a bonus, even in the dead of winter.
A Sweet Surprise
Last night, while I was finishing the piping on the cupcakes for the teachers at work, I heard my husband pull up from his long day.
"There's Dad!" I told Chili, our sweet, lazy mini-dachshund. He usually jumps up out of his down-filled cocoon to greet anyone who dares enter his domain.
I turned around to greet him myself, and gasped!
Tom had stopped at one of our local nurseries and selected this giant, gorgeous poinsettia for us to enjoy for the winter. Since we really don't plan on having any company this season, I really was surprised and delighted!
Last weekend, we took the time to wander among the dazzling displays that the nurseries offer. We marveled at all of the glittering ornament-adorned trees, the unique gifts, and of course, the pretty poinsettias in many holiday hues. It was there where the plan hatched in my cute husband's head.
Of course, people can buy poinsettias almost everywhere at this time of year, but both of us have a soft spot in our hearts for local nurseries, since we began our sweet life together at a similar nursery in California that Tom owned. So, we try to buy local when we can.
But the real point is that Tom was thinking of me. He went out of his way in his busy schedule to light up my world. Over and over he does things like this, but I am continually surprised. I am truly blessed to have him in my life.
If you want to know more about the nurseries, here are their Web sites:
Bath Nursery and Garden Center
Fort Collins Nursery
Plantorium
The Perfect Gift
A Gift of Yourself
"A project is never done; it's just due" is especially true around the holidays. In an effort to try to find the "perfect" gift, we get caught up in the frustration of increased traffic, long lines and brain drains, trying to make our loved ones happy.
But I say, take time to revel in the season. Gaze at the lights. Put money in the red bucket, but even if you don't, greet the bellringer. Giving is not necessarily getting a list from someone and fulfilling all of their wish list with a swipe of a card. Thinking about who the person is and what they might like based on what drive their souls is part of the gift. And it doesn't have to cost a lot of actual money.
Some people protest, "But I really don't have time to shop. Just tell me what you want, and I'll get it!"
Just let that sink in.
Now, there's nothing wrong with wanting to delight someone with something that they desire. However, it's best to ask for wish lists early, before the bustle of the holiday sets in. But most of all, try not to stress the recipient out with demands during this period.
Instead, let's all try to consider whom we are giving to. Ask questions. Notice their environment.
Above all, remember that there is no "perfect" present. If anything is perfect, it's the fact that you thought enough about the person and spent the time to select the gift that he or she might like.
And the time spent finding the gift is part of the gift. A sweet part of you.
Positive Priorities
Many incidents threatened to pull me down into an abyss of unhappiness last year, so I am resolved to focus on the positive this year, and to implement strategies to keep a smile on my face. Here are a few suggestions that we all can manage. In order to make yourself and others feel good, spread kindness and cheerfulness.
--Make a point to go out of your comfort zone in order to make someone's day. Consider distributing
sandwiches and soup to people who happen to be homeless. The cost and time associated with this act
of kindness is minimal compared with the positive impact you will give to others' lives.
Your "First World" problems will seemingly melt away.
--When you exercise, your outlook changes for the better, even though it may be a push to do so. You'll feel better and your face and body will show it.
--Get rid of negativity. (A double negative equals a positive!) Try to see the positive aspect of a situation. Instead of grousing about something, help someone. It will help your outlook, in addition to all the good it did for someone else. Twice blessed.
--Take time to organize your finances. It will give you a chance to make financial priorities such as: pay off credit cards or save for an upcoming fabulous trip or project. This planning will allow you to relax and your anxiety will disappear.
Once you begin on the path of positivity, your whole outlook will change. Your body will become healthier; your mind will be at peace and your face will show more smiles. You'll be surprised at how infectious your smiles will become.
Now that you have created a sunny life, your life will be enriched and grow strong. Even the rain will be manageable as long as you chase it away with smiles and kindness.
Falling Back in Love
~We discovered this mural in Winter Park, CO on a romantic ride through the mountains~
The warm days, the crisp nights foster a perfect setting for snuggly love. Just before the hard freeze, the flowers flourish prolonging our sweet summer romance. The golden hues of autumn warm our senses, causing the introspection of our harmonious lives.
OK, OK. You say that your life is not very harmonious? Is there an edge to your relationships? Sometimes we need to step back and reevaluate our situations. We need to go back to or step forward into a state of excitement with each other. And how do we do this? It seems so exhausting with all of the demands on our daily lives.
We need to switch it up.
For this process I looked back at some goals I identified last year. I have decided to focus on one in particular: making the weekend fun with one day of no work. That should facilitate a spark in our relationships.
So, make plans to have fun. Don't let obstacles ruin your plans. For instance: consider the weather. Make two sets of plans in case the weather prevents one of them. You need to make sure both plans are equally fun, so that you don't become discouraged. Consider your partner: What would he or she love to do? Discuss your plans; communication is always the key to a healthy relationship. (However, don't get stuck with, "I don't care; what do you want to do?" Propose a couple options, and then choose one.)
Make sure that you are attentive with each other. The demands on your time might be great, so you may have to schedule time for each other. And, when you are out together leave all of your worries on the back burner on low heat. Your special time together needs to be center of your sensibility.
As a result, you'll have more laughter, more kisses and hugs and more connection: which translates into more love.
And isn't that what we're all looking for?
Parenting: Keep Your Word Golden
My kids know that when I say something, I mean it. Not that I'm perfect, far from it. However, I have crafted my life based upon the premise that I consider everything that comes out of my mouth, knowing that once I say it, it cannot be taken back. Sure, I can apologize and amend the statement, but the relationship with the recipient is never quite the same.
Say What You Mean
That is why it is key to establish your word as golden from the very beginning in any relationship. People know what to expect from me and learn to trust the fact that I am not hiding some underlying agenda in what I say. Yes means yes and no means no.
However, there are also some gray areas that require further investigation, so, "I'll think about it" or the dreaded "maybe" that all kids hate, may be the appropriate response. This is acceptable, but don't leave them hanging too long. Investigate promptly; consider the pros and cons, the safety factor, especially, and decide. Then, right after you decide, tell them your decision. I do try to remember what it was like for each age group, so empathy can play into my decisions.
You may decide to bring your kids into the discussion in some cases. This can build strong relationships. Present your considerations so that they can see the reasoning behind the decision. Then, listen to their well-supported arguments. (No whining!) And, then you can weigh the options and make the decision (or if the situation warrants, come to a consensus). And once the decision is made, there is no more discussion. Do not allow people to continue the conversation; they want to "wear you down" with arguments, until you finally give in, exhausted. If this is happening often, excuse yourself from the room or ask those who are starting to argue to leave the room so that you can think clearly. My kids also know not to ask for anything after nine o'clock at night, since I am usually too tired to make a smart decision.
Make a Decision and Stick to It
No matter what is decided stick to your word. Don't vacillate. That is what confuses kids. And worse, they figure it out pretty quickly and use your fluctuation to manipulate any situation to their advantage. If you are wondering why, for example, your son's first choice is to go to you instead of your husband to ask for something, it could be because he has learned specific methods to receive his desired answer from you. (Kids learn quickly which parent will change his/her mind more readily.) If that frustrates you, you might try giving your son or daughter more responsibility for the decision, the rewards and the ramifications, so that he or she gains experience and is more engaged in the process.
But I Want to be "Cool"
The biggest pitfall parents fall into is that they don't want to deny the kids anything. They don't want to be "the mean parent", or "the uncool parent". They want their kids to like them. It's best to realize that sometimes your kids will not like the answer you give them. It's OK. (By the way, your kids will still like you even after you have not given them the answer they desire.) It is your job to look after their well-being and to teach them how to be effective citizens. Sometimes your answer won't be popular. Try to explain the reason for your decision; it will make your answer more effective.
Bear in mind though, that answer should not always be "no", either. If there is a difficult situation, and if there is some wiggle room, compromise and come up with a solution that will work for both you and your kids. That way you will be teaching them to collaborate when they problem-solve.
Carry-over to the Work Place
This idea of saying what you mean is also true in the work place. If I ask someone if I can help him, I really am offering my help. One person actually asked me whether I was really offering my help. My reply was, "Would I have asked you if I didn't mean it?" He had to admit that I am not like some people who emit pleasantries just for show. (I never saw the point of that.) So, he felt comfortable enough to ask me to help him with a small task that he had not gotten around to. I completed it in five minutes, much to his surprise and delight. In the future he will know that not only am I willing to help, but that I can get the job done swiftly, effectively and always with a smile.
I know this can be difficult. Sometimes we forget what we said, so we can't follow through. If you are consistent, though, kids tend to get used to the boundaries, which actually give them security. Don't worry about being cool. If you respect your kids by listening to them and considering their ideas, they will respect your authority. But, only if keep your word golden.
10 Dates To Get Closer to Him
Too often we continue the dance of the necessity. Up-shower-coffee-dress-hair-work-chores-walk-the-dog-power walk-make dinner-cleanup-TV-sleep. Inserting time together that sparks interest in your relationship creates smiles for your hearts. It doesn't need to be expensive. My husband's eyes sparkle with anticipation when we plan to go out on a date. Here are some examples that won't break your budget:
1. Cozy up and catch the local high school football game. Buy each other a hot chocolate to sip while you huddle under a blanket.
2. Run a 5k together. Pick a cause and a theme (Color Me Rad!) that you both love.
3. Going ice skating at our local ice rink. We hold hands and pretend that we're still in high school.
4. Bring your laptop, a movie and a picnic up the mountain or hill, then back your car to the edge for a movie and a view.
5. Trekking in the mountains. Viewing gorgeous peaks from a secluded trail always ignites romance.
6. Taking a dip in the local lake. Few things are more romantic than frolicking in the water.
7. Go for a bike ride to check out beautiful gardens. Stop and treat yourself to an ice cream cone or a refreshing smoothie.
8. Ride your bike downtown to a local club to listen to some jazz while relaxing with a glass of wine. (That way there will be no chance for drinking and driving.)
9. The fall leaves beckon. Discover a gurgling brook or a waterfall hidden around the corner. On the way home stop by an old-fashioned diner for some hot cider.
10. Try to catch dinner by fishing in a nearby lake or stream. Show each other your casting and netting skills. Then, proudly grill the catch of the day, savoring each bite.
Above all, have fun with each other. Take the time to focus on the pleasure of companionship before the rigors of life suck your relationship down into mediocrity. It'll remind you why you fell in love.
Try Not to Force People
It's been my experience that when I give people an ultimatum, it is almost never successful. Perhaps the task was completed, but there is almost always resentment.
It's a good idea to present suggestions logically with plenty of evidence so that people can make informed decisions. And then let it go. It's best to be open to an alternative way of performing the task. As long as it's completed respectfully, and in a timely manner, who cares whether it was done exactly how you would have done it? If you absolutely need it done a certain way, gently show them how to do it and convey why it's so important that it's done in this manner. Discuss with them what the expectations are and come to a consensus as to the time line and level of quality. Make sure that each party considers the other's sensibility. If it is extremely important, make sure that everyone knows it. If there is wiggle room, give enough lee-way that is logical.
Mutual respect is the goal. If you show people that you respect them, they will give you courtesy in return.
Dancing with My Daughter
Getting in Tune with the Nuances of Personalities
On this very special day, my brilliant daughter's birthday, my thoughts turn pensive. Over the years, we've grown up together. When she was born, having little experience, I implemented a watered-down version of my own authoritarian upbringing. I wanted to make sure she stayed her sweet, yet wildly creative self. However, different from my own background, I also wanted to maintain a friendly rapport with her. As the firstborn she had all of the cuddly one-on-one advantages that can, (and did) lead to a sense of entitlement. I had observed how destructive that perception can be, so we decided to add to our family. Her sweet, but mischievous, little brother, threw a Frisbee into her fairyland of exclusive attention, challenging her to come and play. However, the climate had changed and somehow she felt slighted. Ever since her brother was born, it seems as though she has been desperately trying to recapture the adoration she experienced up until the day he entered our lives. Even though I have tried to reassure her over and over, I think that she doesn't quite believe that the adoration we feel for her has been there all along.
So, I have had to alter my behavior in order to convey more clearly how I feel. And, she has answered in kind. We've created a dance that changes depending "what's playing on the radio". We work on it every time we interact. I have had to practice quite a bit, though, because I have always had the idea that I can skip over steps and solve the problem quickly. Some people, like my daughter (and my husband), tend to dither over each element of a problem, trying to make sure they have exhausted (I know I'm exhausted!) every possibility, before they come to a conclusion. I have even created a motto for my sensibility: "When you are finished getting your ducks in a row, I'll be waiting for you down at the pond." But, I've learned that sometimes conveying the "superiority implication" of "being at the pond" can damage relationships. I've also learned to listen more and not be so quick to dash to pond. When there are decisions to be made for various tasks, I offer my daughter a couple of viable choices, not too many, and allow her to choose. She continues to welcome me in to her many projects, which is the ultimate invitation. During this journey she's taught me how to slow down and actually find what I'm looking for; I show her the art of accomplishing tasks with excellence in a limited amount of time. And, to be satisfied with the result.
So, the dance swirls and flows as we learn new ways to perform each step. I marvel each day that I have been allowed into her world. I don't take that for granted and I fiercely work to protect our bond. We may not always agree, but we allow each other the courtesy of voicing our opinions. Over the years we have built a wonderland of understanding each other's idiosyncrasies. I know this alliance is rare; I fortify it with quality time and connection. After all, I always want to be invited to the dance.
Try to Get Your Way by Being Pleasant
Why not? Most people like pleasant people. So, instead of throwing a fit, try to think of ways to a productive end by being as nice as possible.
As a high school substitute teacher, I see a new set of 100+ students every day. I could be the type of sub who is crotchety and authoritarian. Or, what I prefer is the one who is always requested by both teachers and students, and referred to as "Mama Cush". That is not to say that I'm lenient and let the kids walk all over me. Instead, I consider each request, consult the rules, remember what it was like to be a high school student and decide accordingly. I always remember that I'm only in that classroom for one day, and that I'm not going to change the world in a day. In addition, I don't have any authority to change grades, so exactly what am I going to accomplish by being mean?
So, I have decided to win the students over by being nice, empathetic, and logical, yet still adhering to high standards. Here's an example:
"Cush, can I take the test later this week because I didn't study for it?"
"It's too bad that you didn't study for the test", I answer. "But I'm sorry you won't be able to take it later this week. Besides, if I let you take it later it wouldn't be fair for the rest of the class. Just trust yourself. You probably know all of the material." Empathetic, sweet, logical, encouraging.
They'll try to get away with as much as they can, but it's the tone of the response that is the key. Being mean might accomplish your objective, but a sweet, firm tone is a more positive and diplomatic way to handle situations. If students hear my logical explanations, they rarely argue with them. As a result, I'm the sub who gets cheers and applause as I enter the room. What a way to start the day!
When You're Stuck at Work
Often we might feel overwhelmed with the tasks we are charged to complete at work. Sometimes bosses have so much faith in us that they bombard us with tasks even they haven't the slightest idea of how to accomplish. So, if they don't know how to do it, how will they be able to guide us through the process?
Our first instinct might be to feel crushed with all of the responsibility and then possibly start to go down the dark road of panic and then resentment. However, it's best to bounce ideas off of colleagues or anyone you can trust, to start a path to solutions to the projects. Often what happens is that during the conversation, ideas spring to life that were lying dormant in our minds all along. The key is to be open to input.
That is not to say that we will just conform to another's ideas. But the conversation will help us stay positive and remain on the path that will lead us to solutions. And, after the task is completed, once again you'll be the star.
Anniversary Time Again!
For my husband and me it is always exciting. Our anniversary invokes all of the sweet, fresh love bytes we remember throughout our journey together. But it's not just at our anniversary that we celebrate our togetherness. That's a key to keeping relationships fresh. It's just that we make a special effort to mark each year with amazing memories.
When I was young I thought that a winter wedding would be romantic with snowflakes slowly drifting down to kiss our chilled faces. Toasting our new lives together beside a roaring fire rounded out my fantasy. It just so happened that I got my wish. (However, little did I know that in California where we got married, it doesn't snow in the winter, it rains. Not quite as romantic as what I envisioned.) Regardless, we moved back to Colorado where the snow and the fire are where they should be.
It can be a challenge to conjure up a new anniversary event. I always like to try a new, fabulous restaurant, but that's not really what my sweetheart likes to do. He's more of an active kind of guy, so this year we are planning to show all those youngsters on the slopes our skills with a fabulous ski day. We're fortunate enough to live within an hour or two of legendary Rocky Mountain shushing. Our kids know that they're lucky to have such smart parents who chose to live in Colorado, but they can never really appreciate it as one who has grown up in the Midwest as I did. I still pinch myself, thinking that I'll wake up from this Colorado dream.
So, you can make this memory with a little money or a lot. I know that skiing can be expensive. Look for discounts online, at King Soopers or Christy Sports. This year we are taking advantage of a special Christmas gift of two lift tickets, so, luckily, our costs will be minimal: gasoline and lunch. What a boon!
As part of our routine, we have been continuing our walking schedule so that we can be shape for the slopes as well. Not only will we avoid injury, preparing our muscles for the workout we will be experiencing on the mountain will also make our skiing event free of aches and pains the following week.
Great Relationships: Anniversaries!
What is it about anniversaries? When we're young we celebrate one week, one month, three month, six month and then the big one, the one-year anniversary. For some it's a reason to celebrate the fact that they are still in love. They try to think of cool things to commemorate the event. Often they spend the wad on a nice dinner, a concert, even a trip to a fabulous destination because, after all, it's their anniversary. They delight in the realization that they are at a milestone and want to mark it accordingly.
However, for others anniversaries present a problem. Many don't want to remember the fact that they are still in the same relationship: watching the same TV shows week after week, having the same arguments, mowing the same lawns, and picking up the same dirty socks on the floor.
But, isn't an anniversary the perfect time to move away from the hum-drum? How about planning an event together? Nothing kindles romance like looking forward to a delicious meal, exploring a new mountain town, cheering your hometown sports team-in person-to victory or taking a bike ride for a picnic by the lake.
Maybe you don't think that anniversaries are important, but I can almost guarantee you that someone in your relationship does. There is really no excuse to forget anniversaries anymore with all of the smart technology we have available. So, count on it; make it fun and make sure the memory lasts until the next fabulous anniversary.
"I Know"
Picture this: someone comes up and asks for your advice on a problem that s/he is having. At least that what you thinks s/he's asking. You concentrate on the problem and reach back into your expertise to try to find a solution for your friend's issue. You formulate a response based on your best guess, trying to understand and to help your friend. You really think you have found a strategy that would work and then your friend says, "I know", or "I've tried that already". You continue to ask questions as to the method in which s/he has "tried" this particular strategy and you discover that s/he really isn't willing to follow through with the spirit of the strategy. Or, indeed does not want to "try" anymore. Truly, s/he doesn't really want a solution; s/he is just venting.
And that's why "I know" is so frustrating. "I know" begs the question, "Well, if you know, why aren't you doing something about it?" Usually you try to say this in a nice way. The response might be "I've tried". (Not many people in industry would get away with the statement "I've tried".) What they may mean is that "I've tried using the method that would work the best for me (and I'm not willing to do anything else. The other person needs to do his job and fall in line with what I want him or her to do)". However, trying the same method over and over and getting the same negative result is counter-productive. Your friend "knows" this as well. What I've found is that people are not willing to use other methods that might require giving up some measure of control. They might even go as far as creating a perception of the other person: "because of his or her personality/temperament/Zodiac sign, s/he can't do" whatever it is your friend wants him or her to do. Really?
So, what is the course of action? You can gently suggest that perhaps the person is smarter than is given credit for. Maybe s/he's figured out your friend's gig and is feigning incompetence in order to get your friend to complete his or her tasks. Pretty smart for someone who "can't" do laundry (correctly), write a check because s/he doesn't know the date, hang on to a receipt, hang up clothes, load/empty the dishwasher (correctly), mow the lawn (correctly), etc. You may also gently wonder why s/he cares about the little stuff. The date? Really? Indeed, if it is bothering him or her so much, perhaps it's time to let it go. And, if you've noticed the word "correctly" shows up quite often.
"Correctly" according to whom? It is acceptable to be passionate about areas in your life. And, if doing the laundry a certain way is important to you, then you should express it to your friend or spouse and show them why it's important to you. It's all in the delivery. If you mandate something, the response will probably be unfavorable. Keep in mind that no one wants to be ordered around. Just because you like it done a certain way does not necessarily mean that others will comply. However, if you communicate your desires and are willing to discuss compromises, you will find that people miraculously will be able to "do" what they "couldn't do" before. You can show your friend that letting go of some of the control can lead to a much more harmonious life-style. If you ease up on the vise-grip, the less stubborn the other person will be, and the more fun you will have.
Kids and Chores: Two Hard Ones and Two Easy Ones
Why is it that kids hate to do chores? Is it because it's the way we approach our necessary maintenance? The phrases "just do it" or "get your work clothes on" or "get 'er done", really do nothing to motivate kids. Instead, they resent having to spend any time at all sprucing and polishing. Sometimes they resort to disappearing outside to avoid any household chore that might be sprung on them. That was my strategy when I was a kid.
I always hated Saturdays as a kid because that's when our mandated chore list stood waiting, sinister as a torture chamber. Not only did we have our normal household chores, but my sisters and I cleaned the top two floors of our house every week. My parents rented the "upstairs" to university students, mostly international students, who preferred an inexpensive, quiet room in an antebellum Victorian house to accommodations more modern. Our dad had remodeled the second floor and installed a kitchen that the students shared. They also shared a large bathroom. There were seven bedrooms, one kitchen, one bathroom, and the hall to clean. These were divided up between all of the girls available.
At first, the older girls divided up the rooms, the hall and the kitchen. My job was to clean the bathroom every week. My mom paid us one dollar for cleaning each room. She felt that it was similar to housekeeping at a hotel and figured that cost into the students' rent. My little sister emptied the wastebaskets for 50 cents.
It doesn't sound difficult, does it, to have to clean one bathroom every week? However, I was cleaning up after seven men who had particularly exotic tastes in cuisine. I still can't eat curry to this day.
But it was the way that the chore was delivered that was the problem. My mom often put the oldest sister home at the time in charge while she went on Saturday morning errands. We were supposed to wait until at least 10 am to begin cleaning, so that the students had a chance to get up, eat breakfast, and shower before leaving to go study.
We just had to make sure that it was finished in a timely manner. As it happened my favorite cartoon, Mighty Mouse, was on at 10 am. No problem, right? After all, I only had to clean one bathroom. Logically, I felt that I could wait until 10:30 to begin. As the "sergeant in charge" my sister felt differently. Flushed with power, she tried to force me to do my work, not listening to reason. On her behalf, she probably thought she was carrying out our mom's wishes and methods. Unfortunately a battle ensued which she lost.
And that's crux of this dilemma. How do we instill a sense of duty while maintaining a healthy relationship?
My daughter, actually, was the genius with this concept. Once she became 12, she watched her brother from time-to-time when I worked at the florist. I would leave them a small list chores to do on a sticky note. Just like a genie, she took that list and transformed it. She had several methods: with the promise of a backyard picnic, bike ride or Super Mario challenge, she would enlist her brother to help her divide and conquer the list, so that they could get on with the fun of the day. Another method she used was to make the chores actually fun, by warping them into something other than work. Make believe and fairy tales played into several of her strategies, delighting the senses and motivating her brother and herself to complete the job.
After she went to college, I was left with applying her ideas to a Saturday sleeping-in teenager. It was then that I came up with the idea of "two hard ones and two easy ones". The ol' sticky note ever present, my son knew that his responsibility was to choose two hard chores and two easy chores on the list to complete at some point in the day (before dinner time). He would stagger down the hall, plop down on the couch and finish watching either Paula Deen or Ina Garten with me. (Not Mighty Mouse, but I still loved my Saturday morning programs.) I modeled the cleaning; he saw that it was no big deal.
And I think that is key to stimulate and enlist help. If kids see that they are not working alone, they will be more willing to help.
You may notice that I haven't even addressed the idea that my son or daughter would have any choice in helping out around the house. I firmly believe that all people should experience manual labor. If people experience this as they grow up, they will be better equipped to face the real world with its challenges. The real world begins with school: organizing themselves and completing assignments. Not only do they need to complete the assignments, but they have to actually turn them in. How many bosses after wondering why s/he wasn't getting paid for work already completed would accept this statement: "I finished typing out the bill, but I didn't send it out"?
So try this: write down your chores whether they are at home or at work; divide them into easy ones and hard ones. Make it a manageable list, prioritizing the duties, so that you can see the end. Mark the chores off as you complete them to instill a sense of accomplishment. Change your attitude about work and view it as an adventure. Believe me; your life will begin to sprout new growth.
_ No Secret to a Successful Marriage
People ask me all the time what the secret is to such a successful marriage. There's no secret. I just don't know what the problem is. If two people love each other they should want to think of the other first. Isn't that the meaning of love? I want my husband to be happy and he wants me to be happy. Because of that, we're always thinking about how to make each other's lives easier and more fun.
When we get home from work, we think about what we can do to seamlessly transition into our evening time together. We love deconstructing our days, counting on the dialog to make sense of the idiosyncrasies we encounter in this crazy world. The key is to really listen to each other. And unless s/he doesn't know how to behave in polite society, always back up your spouse. Offer suggestions when your spouse is stymied, but don't act like a "Know-it-all", after all, most of the time s/he is just venting and needs support.
If for some reason you don't like the same activities or TV shows, compromise. Be willing to share in the other's joy at his/her choice every other time. Or, if you just can't stand that show, buy another TV. Agree to disagree. It just doesn't need to escalate into a snide, name-calling argument.
Basically, marriage is a partnership. You're on the same team. It's important to work together to achieve common goals. Recognize signs that your spouse is weary or is having a rough week. Pick up the slack and s/he'll do the same for you. And if you have to compete, focus on winning the Most Unselfish Spouse Award. If that's what both of you are striving for, everyone will be happy.
Not Deciding is Also a Decision
I've often found that people have challenges when it comes to decision-making. Sometimes the challenges arise when there are major life-changing decisions, but also many people get stuck when they have to make simple decisions. Sometimes too much analysis can whip people into a conundrum that whirls them around until they end up making a bad decision. Then they vow not to make decisions again for fear of making a bad one. And the cycle continues.
One example came to light in a recent conversation. This person was unhappy because she went to dinner with another couple at a restaurant that neither she nor her husband liked. I mean, they really didn't like the food. Her friend even asked her if was OK if they went to this restaurant. That should have been her cue. Instead, she worried about "offending" the lady by rejecting her choice. Privately, she dithered and fussed worrying about "how it would look" to the other couple if she suggested another restaurant. Finally, she agreed to go, hoping that her choice would be the "right" one. Again, her experience was marred by bad food. So, she regretted her choice: wasted money on bad food, making the experience with their friends far less than ideal.
When choosing a restaurant for two couples to meet and have dinner, there should really be only one or two considerations: is it a restaurant everyone likes or is the menu diverse and affordable enough for everyone's tastes? If it is unknown whether the other couple likes the restaurant, offer a few choices of restaurants that you have enjoyed. If your friends ask you whether you would like to go to a particularly unsavory restaurant, that's an invitation to tell them how you feel. There is no need to worry about what the other person might think if you suggest a different restaurant. Often people suggest a destination when they haven't given it much thought, and then end up having a less than favorable experience. You would be doing them a favor by suggesting a delicious alternative. And, then you would not have to listen to your husband complaining about yet another nasty meal from that restaurant.
So, what is the real challenge when making a decision? What are people afraid of? Time and money are usually at the crux of the decision. Often the decisions are seemingly minor, like where to eat or what color to paint the wall. "What if I don't like the new paint color? It takes so much time to paint the room and the $60+ for paint and materials will be wasted." It's easier to leave it the same "UGLY COLOR THAT WE'VE HAD FOR TEN YEARS" than to be adventurous and put a spark into that boring life we lead. OK, maybe the raspberry sherbet wall was not exactly what I envisioned. (I was going for cranberry.) It certainly was a conversation piece. And after a little while, I tried a different, much warmer, plum which I love. At least our lives were colorful.
And, after all, isn't life about the journey? Don't we learn more from our mistakes than from our triumphs? There's a reason that pencils come with erasers.
Part of decision making is not taking yourself too seriously. Being able to laugh at your choices and trying again brings life into perspective. I'm always struck by the fact that I have so many choices and am thankful for the freedom. A world of white and black would be very boring indeed.
So, make this your rule of thumb: the decision plus one or two considerations surrounding the decision. Consider your companion(s) and their desires, but don't get hung up on that. Most people don't care as much as you think they do. Don't get stuck in the conundrum of two much analysis. Analysis paralysis is what my daughter calls it. Don't make life too hard. That is what is making you unhappy.
Some practical advice:
When choosing paint color~
-For exterior walls, drive around and find a color on a house that you like. Be brave and knock on the door and ask the people if they would mind telling you what brand of paint and color it is. Most people will be flattered that you like the color. Some people might not be organized enough to know or even be able to find the paint can, but some will.
Or, if you don't want to bother a homeowner, go to a construction site and ask the painters there. They will be happy to share what color they use. (You may be surprised by the name of the paint. Our "Cherokee Red" paint looked burgundy on the trim of our house.)
-The employees in paint stores will often suggest popular colors.
-Visit model homes and notice trends. Ask the representative what brand and color that particular Tuscan gold is that warms your soul.
-If you want to choose your own, narrow your choices to five. Take the paint strips home and tape them to your wall. Collaborate with those you live with to establish the favorite. Once you determine the favorite, you're not done. Buy a sample size and paint a large sheet of cardboard. Tack it to the wall in the room that you want to paint. Leave it there for a week or so to make sure that you like the color. Seems like a process, but having made several miscues in our lives, this method seems to be the most foolproof.
Deciding not to decide can sometimes be the right decision, but don't make it your pattern. Don't let the swamp of indecision keep you stuck in a constant state of vacillation. After weighing just a few options, making that decision will keep you fresh and progressing toward a richer life.
Perfection Rejection
"I like being average," I declared to my brother-in-law when I was in my 20s. "What?!" He couldn't believe it. He couldn't believe that someone actually voiced the fact that number one, I wasn't actively striving for perfection and number two that I was comfortable, even liked the fact that I wasn't in the realm of those who felt and acted like they were "superior". Apparently I liked not rushing around fussing about every little detail, worrying myself into an early grave. The ancient Athenian motto of "nothing in excess" seemed reasonable to me.
At an early age I seemed to sense that some people would never be comfortable in their own personae. At least I could see that those who were constantly trying to be the best would never be happy, because they would never be the best. In fact, even if they became the "best" in a particular area, they complained about not being the best in another area. Really?
One time I heard a woman say that she wouldn't polish her nails, because they wouldn't look perfect. (As though her nails looked perfect without polish. They didn't.) And, she wouldn't trust a salon to do them perfectly either. So, she denied herself the pleasure of an fun indulgence because she was worried that others would think that her nails, as an extension of herself were less than perfect. Yikes.
Now some of you would think that her reasoning was just fine. You think that it's perfectly (perfectly?) fine to want the best for yourself, and to demand the best from those around you. The problem is that there is no "best". Perfection doesn't exist. It's all relative.
Moreover, I find it offensive that people like this woman are arrogant enough to flatter themselves into thinking that people have nothing else to do than to look at their nails/hair/clothes/bodies. Once I even suggested that she shouldn't flatter herself into thinking that people are looking at her. Her response? "Well, I look at (judge) other people." OK, so it looks like she has issues deeper than what I thought.
Now don't get me wrong. I think it's admirable for people to work to their potential. To strive for excellence is always better than to wallow in the "D" range. But I think that people can be excellent without always talking about it. In addition, striving to be excellent is different from striving to be perfect. Perfection is a touchy subject among those who believe their heart of hearts that if they try hard enough, they will achieve it. They have not accepted the fact that it will never be attained and they don't want to be reminded of that fact.
So what do we tell those who want to be perfect? Assuming that they are receptive, encouragement and strategies that have worked in the past are acceptable starting points. The problem is many of these people already think that they are superior, so any advice that is given is summarily dismissed. They go on distressing themselves and others around them chasing that elusive notion of perfection, often at the expense of their health and relationships.
So, do I believe in perfection? Absolutely not. But I do believe that with practice, people can learn to become proficient. Some faster than others.
When visiting my sister and her family years later, my brother-in-law reminded me of my "average" declaration. I just smiled and said, "well, it's comfortable". However, a few days later he examined the artistry and the work involved while I designed his son's wedding flowers and said, "I'm pretty sure that that the work you're doing is way above average". I just grinned.
Venting
Right up front I'd like to say that all people need an outlet to vent their feelings and frustrations in everyday life. Having said that, people should try to recognize whether a friend needs help with a problem or just wants to vent. Since I like to help people, my first instinct is to try to offer possible solutions to problems they encounter. Because if the problems are solved, they go away, right? To me, that's the ultimate relief. For some, however, a solution is not what they are looking for. They are looking for camaraderie. Someone to vent with.
"Don't you just hate it when...?" "Can you believe it? S/he didn't do...!" "S/he left and didn't...!" "S/he just expected me to..." "I'm so tired. I had to..." These phrases are common openings to dialogs for venting frustrations. Being empathetic can be helpful, making the conversation feel safe. Offering similar situations in your life, or just comforting them can make people feel validated. But sometimes, it is unclear whether your friend needs to vent or really wants some help with solutions.
At some point, depending upon how close I am to the individual, I ask, "Would you like to know what I've tried (with regard to the situation) or do you just want to vent?" And, I need to respect the response. Often, they haven't even considered that there might be a solution to the problem. S/he may have tried to solve his or her problem, but has hit some obstacle and are either afraid to try something else or does not have the patience or the willingness to try a different course. Sometimes just listening to the vent will evolve into conversation involving strategies. But sometimes it won't.
And, patience is what is needed to listen to others' struggles. Being willing to hear them out in whatever capacity they need is paramount to being a good friend. After all, they have come to you with dilemmas and challenges in their lives that are holding them down. Allowing them to process their problems out loud can be very therapeutic and can even be educational. You might even discover that your problems are not all that bad.
Workplace Attitude Adjustments
Have a signup sheet for "Treat Friday (Monday, Humpday, whatever)". Have everyone take turns bringing in something delicious to share with co-workers.
Plan a bowling night together.
Have a birthday potluck during a morning meeting or lunch hour once a quarter.
Meet at a local pub after work to celebrate a successful project milestone. Be sure to designate several drivers.
Compliment a quiet co-worker on his haircut. You'd be surprised at the delight in your acknowledgement.
Recognize and remark upon diligent and successful work.
Smile. Appreciate where you work. After all, you could be out of work.